As long as I can remember, I have been consumed with the driving need to be loved and accepted. Not just by my family, or my peers. BY EVERYONE. Before I really get in to this, just know that I am aware that this is totally impossible, and unreasonable. I know that no matter what I do, there will be people that, for whatever reason, just. don't. care for me. And that's okay!
....or is it?
My self-confidence issues go back as far as elementary school. Even then, I was a bigger girl. Athletically built, as I started playing soccer when I was about 5 years old. Healthy. But, I always had a bigger tummy. Bigger thighs. A bigger chest. Broad shoulders.Taller than most of the girls. Just...big. The first time I got made fun of for my weight, it was by a little boy, maybe a year older than I was (making him about 8?) , who was a friend of a friend. I had brought my lunch from home (in my Little Mermaid lunchbox, with a thermos. I miss the 90's.) and was eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, minding my own business. My friend, and this other delightful (*eye roll*) boy came up to talk to me, and the boy says to me "Only FAT people eat sandwiches!!" He laughed, and walked away. Now, I am aware that little kids are MEAN, and this little boy was probably teasing me to get some laughs. He was 8, and he probably didn't realize what that comment would do to me.
From that moment on, though, it was almost impossible for me to eat in front of people- especially boys. All of my food, I had to rip and tear up into tiny little pieces. Once they were small enough, I could quickly pop the pieces in my mouth, barely chewing because suddenly I was aware how my cheeks jiggled when I opened and closed my mouth. I started hiding food in my room, to eat late at night where no one could watch me. My mom found half eaten tortillas, folded up in my jewelry box. Cheese wrappers under my bed. Candy in my sock drawer. Little hiding spots for food that I would eat in secret. I stopped hiding food as I got closer to preteen age, but my fear of eating in front of people continued. If anyone mentioned how I was eating, or drinking, I would be immediately mortified. One girl in high school mentioned that I took big sips of my soda, so I changed the way I sipped from bottles. If I went out to eat with anyone (other than my very close friends), I would ALWAYS order chicken strips and fries- easy to tear up and eat slowly. I started to binge eat at home, and purge in secret.
Food became an obsession, but for how preoccupied I was with it, I just kept eating more. I was lucky in my early high school years because I was so active. I was still bigger, always bigger, but I was able to keep my weight down around "acceptable" levels because I was playing soccer every day. But, if I am being honest, it wouldn't matter what my weight was. I was still desperately unhappy with the way I looked. I hated every single aspect of my body, I despised my face- there was something wrong with every. single. thing. And it seemed like the more I internalized feeling this way, the harder I tried to get people to love me. I needed their love to make up for the fact that I could not love myself.
I have hidden behind my humor for 31 years. I put a smile on my face, crack a joke, and suddenly I am the fat and funny girl. And I told myself I was okay with that. I won't win awards for my looks, ever. I am now the first, always, to put myself down before anyone else can do it. I hear myself doing it, I hear how it makes other people uncomfortable...but I can't stop it. It's not that I want someone to tell me I'm wrong. I am fiercely realistic in my thoughts of myself. I know what I look like, and I don't like it. I can't stand the thought of people assuming I say these things for attention, or for compliments or praise- because that it just not what is going on in my brain. I don't want to hear "Oh stop, you're beautiful." Compliments make me so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my skin.
It's just...I need to immediately make people know, especially in a social setting, that yes- I am aware that I am very large. Yes, I know what I look like. And once I get over the hurdle in my head, that driving NEED to announce my shortcomings before someone else does, THEN I can begin to win them over with my humor.
And I need them to like me. I crave the validation of having people enjoy me, having people want me around. I should not seek approval as much as I do, but the complete and total lack of self confidence makes me anxious all the time. Do they not like me? Are they just saying that they like me, and then talking about me behind my back? JUST TODAY, I pulled up the the gas station pump to get gas. Shortly after I arrived, a woman pulled up beside me to get gas in her car. As she got out of her car, we made direct eye contact. I smiled. She did not. And INSTANTLY I am hyper-aware of every single thing I could be doing wrong. Did I smile weird? Am I in her way? WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?!
The paranoia that the people in my life who say they love, might not ACTUALLY love me is something I have struggled with for a very long time. Recently, I have been actively trying to refrain from those thoughts. Especially as I try to lose weight and become healthier, both physically and mentally. I have lost a small chunk of weight, and while the results are not astronomical by any means, people are starting to notice that my body looks different. With that comes questions, comments, and sometimes compliments. I am FORCING myself to accept them, as gracefully as I possibly can- even if I don't believe them (yet). The BIGGEST thing I am trying to change is my mental health. I notice that when I go to the gym, my self-talk is changing. When I first started, it was constant LOUD voices, who all sound like me, telling me, "They are laughing at you", "They are watching you", "You're going to break this treadmill, walk softer", "Don't sweat, you're nasty and you're barely freakin' moving, you cow"....
These things are not new, they aren't shocking to me. The voices are like old, familiar friends of mine. Hello, Darkness. It's been a while! 2 hours, it's been 2 hours.
But, lately I have noticed that if I put just a little bit more effort in, if I turn my music up just a little bit louder, my self talk starts to be much more encouraging. By the end of my workout last night, I was constantly reminding myself (in my head) that I belonged there. I can make it just a little bit longer. I can go a little further. I can push harder. By summer, I will be able to do do the things I want to do, go the places I want to go, without my size hindering my ability. It is refreshing to have positive reinforcement regarding myself, even if it's only caused by the endorphins.
When it comes down to it, my ultimate goal is to be a beautiful person. I strive to be beautiful, but not in the way you might expect. I am losing weight, not because I want to be skinny. That's not going to happen. I am losing weight because I want to be healthier, and because I want to FEEL good. I strive to be beautiful...but not outside. I want to be beautiful INSIDE-regardless of what I might look like outside. That includes eliminating these horrendously negative voices in my head that live there every day. I want to be a person that spreads positivity and light. I care so much for people. I love SO hard, I have so much of it to give. I want to be able to give it freely, without sabotaging it for myself. Without expecting anything in return. I want to be beautiful...inside.
I still struggle every day with self-confidence. It is a battle that is easier one day, and nearly impossible the next. I still have that feeling of needing people to like me. But hopefully on this journey of self-improvement, I will find a healthy balance. Maybe I will start believing people, taking them at face value. Maybe I will be able to go to a social gathering without looking over my shoulder, watching for people who may be whispering about me. And just maybe, even if they are, it won't bother me. I want to be enough for ME. I want to feel secure. I want to be enough for me. I want to be beautiful.
Thank you for reading. Until next time-
Love Always,
Jessica
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