To understand now, look back then.

 Oh, how things have changed. 

Things have changed in every way they can change. And I find myself playing a character in a life story that I don't understand, or altogether enjoy. 

There is so much I want to accomplish with this blog, and on my journey. In my daily life, I run into the same problem. I have so much I need to get done, so much I WANT to do- but I look at the big picture and I get overwhelmed. There's too much to do, and not enough time to do it in. So instead of tackling it one day at a time, I let it sit there and let it fester-doing NOTHING, but wishing I was different. 

Today, though, I stepped on the scale for the first time since last October. I knew it was bad, I knew I had gained a lot of the weight that I lost back. Trauma, depression, stress, and comfort eating will do that to a person. I guess I didn't realize HOW bad. I could see it, the weight. I can ALWAYS see it. But I watched it collect under my chin, hang off my arms, droop my stomach further and further, and knew that all of the progress I made a year ago was gone. I didn't want to believe it, so I procrastinated when it came to weighing myself. Until today, I bit the bullet and stepped on. And I swear, I thought the scale was malfunctioning.

How. How had I gained 60 pounds in 6 months? I mean, I know how. We talked about that. But...SIXTY??? 

Every pound I lost, plus some. 

So, back and bigger than ever, I start the blog. I want to blog to hold myself accountable this time, and also to tell my story. Addressing an audience that doesn't exist. But that part doesn't matter. It just makes telling the story easier for me. I want you to know about everything. More than just the weight loss journey- ALL of it. How I coped with the death of my parents, how my marriage crumbled after a decade, how my kids were taken from me, how I sought comfort in the wrong places, and how I am struggling to get myself out of the darkest point my life has ever been in.